I went to see the very talented Alison Sudol and "A Fine Frenzy" in Virginia on Easter Sunday. This was my second opportunity to see her live. Same concert--two completely different experiences.
The first time around, she was the warm-up act for another very talented singer/songwriter, Brandi Carlile. Additionally, she performed without her full crew--I believe the drummer/guitarist/misc. was sick. The result was a nice low key experience.
This time, she came with not only a full crew, but a more enhanced sound. I think it is safe to say she rocked it out. While maintaining the integrity of her beautiful voice and heartfelt lyrics, she amp'd-up her sound and it was a pleasant surprise. Those in attendance were also lucky enough to hear her tackle a few classic covers (recommended by fans on her web site) and she closed the concert with a sneak peek of the first song on her next upcoming CD. A delightful evening overall.
However, upon leaving, it was brought to my attention that her lyrics hit home in many ways. In my personal experience, the impetus for a majority of popular song lyrics is emotional struggle, sadness, loss, discontent, or pain, and yet very few are born out of happiness. Seems strange to me considering the fact that singing used to be a way of celebrating or rejoicing. Although, the more I think about it, in church people sing songs of rejoice, but what are they rejoicing exactly? Christ's sacrifice for us? That's a depressing thought. His resurrection from the dead? SAD--he was murdered! His unconditional love and forgiveness? SAD--it acknowledges that we are all horrible people that go astray from the righteous lives that we know to be more honorable.
Song lyrics are motivated by life experiences. But...we can't all be so miserable, can we? So much so that all we can sing about and the music that we relate to always has negative connotations?
I realize it just so happens that nothing brings out emotion and passion like misery, but c'mon! Let's cheer up the airwaves a little! Maybe sing more campfire songs??? --Those were happy ...
This leads me to ask a QUESTION about modern music: Without life struggles and pain, would we have music?
So, I TASK you with the following: Name 10 modern songs which were written about complete happiness and satisfaction....I fear it may be more difficult than you think....
Bellcanto said...
1) Bubbly - Colbie Collet
2) Forever and For Always - Shania Twain
3) Dancing on the ceiling - Lionel Richie
4) What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong
5) I Love The Way You Love Me - John Michael Montgomery
6) Forever Young - Alphaville
7) Respect - Aretha Franklin
8) Good Day Sunshine - Beatles
9) Heaven Is A Place On Earth - Belinda Carlisle
10) She loves you - Beatles
11) It´s a wonderful life - Black
12) Sun is shining - Bob Marley
13) Don't worry Be happy - Bobby McFerrin
14) Right on track - Breakfast Club
15) Top of the world - Carpenters
16) Wonderful Days - Charly Lownoise & Menthal Theo
17) Groove is in the heart - Dee lite
18) Happy Faces - Destiny's Child
19) I feel love - Donna Summer
20) Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
21) What a feeling - Flashdance
22) Singin' in the rain - Gene Kelly
23) Some Kind Of Wonderful - Grand Funk Railroad
24) Happy to be stuck with you - Huey Lewis
This is just a short list of happy, positive songs out there on the air waves. But if this list of melodic exultations isn’t enough to convince you of the happy nature of songs that are ready to play into your ears, please direct yourself to the following websites that each list (upon the hundreds) happy joyful tunes that will brighten your day and put a smile on your face: http://www.popculturemadness.com/Music/Happy-Songs.html
http://forums.whirlpool.net.au/forum-replies-archive.cfm/669052.html
http://www.reinventingmyself.com/groovysongs.html
http://www.vandegraaf.net/happy-songs-tips-a-b.asp
http://www.poemhunter.com/songs/happy/
http://shirleymclaine.typepad.com/livingoutloud/2007/06/songs_that_make.html
And so, with “a song in my heart,” I’ll leave you with this thought: I think there is much positivism out there in the world and in music. It just has to be sought out a little more than the sad or melancholy offerings. Let’s face it, our culture feeds on sadness and destructive stories (think about how the media makes its business). So don’t be surprised if that’s what the music industry caters to as well! Sure, people connect with what they can relate to, but that doesn’t mean that we have to be sucked into unhappy mindsets all the time. Real life offers enough sorrow, so let’s seek out the good and capitalize on all the good events (and music) that life brings along!
D-Llama says:
Touché Ms. Bellcanto, Touché!!
However, the task was to list 10 "modern" songs. Your list consists of mostly tunes from the 80's...
Bellcanto said...
These are modern songs, sir...when you consider the centuries of exultant music that have been produced, those which were cut in the last two decades are as recent as you can get. If you believe that I'm being difficult, then check with the websites I listed and you will find many modern ballads of the last couple years. There was simply too much happy repertoire for me to sift through in one sitting! ;)
D-Llama says:
I'm sorry, but the last 20+ years of music doesn't quite rate as "modern" in my book, and certainly Gene Kelly, the Beatles, or Bob Marley don't qualify either...
Monday, March 24, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
TASK: Define the Line Between a Healthy Need for One's Partner and Unhealthy Co-dependency...
D-Llama says:
Bellcanto says:
Since I am a woman, and one who is also very un-gracefully stumbling about in my acceptance of the answer to this question, I will approach this from the difficulties that make this challenge so very hard from a woman’s standpoint. There are two basic reactions that surface from the wounds a woman receives to her soul. Each are equally as unhealthy and destructive, in my view. How we respond to them makes all the difference in how we handle our relationships.
When women are wounded (by having our longings and desires to be seen and wanted and needed dismissed, thrown back in our faces, or simply not needed), something inside us – the little valiant and secure girl – shrivels and dies. If the pain is bad enough, we may even hate our own heart that longs for the romance, loathing the parts of us that ache with a seemingly endless loneliness and yearning for love and affection. I think most women have the innate sense that they are too much, too messy, too needy, and not worth the effort. And this is the curse that leads then to our defensive responses: one is to either over-react by becoming the Dominator - controlling, manipulating, out-spoken – the kind that is in charge and forceful about almost everything. The other response is to become Desolate - accepting our wound as one that was deserved, this woman shrinks from life and personality by becoming timid, passive, too vulnerable, and deficient of any sense of self. Both reactions are rooted in self-destructive behavior and are damaging to those around them. They definitely make it difficult to navigate the waters of life as strong, secure and confident women, while at the same time being patient, compassionate, and nurturing.
I believe the problem overall stems from the fact that women often take their life’s most important question to a man for him to answer and validate completely. I believe there are layers of need – the deepest is the need of existential fulfillment and purpose; the second deals with personal fulfillment and security; the third we’ll say involves physical and present needs. Women often take their existential questions to their man; this is the first wrong step, for men never have or ever will be able to fully satisfy a woman completely in that respect. She cannot take her questions – “Am I desirable?” “Am I worthy enough?” “Am I needed?” – to a man first; she must know the answers to these questions and then she will be free to offer herself completely as a whole and confident woman to her man. As such, she will be free of striving, jealousy, controlling tendencies, and excessive “neediness.” She will need her man, but she will not be “needy.” When I think of the characteristics of neediness, I conjure the qualities of mistrust, nervousness, controlling tendencies, and general lack of peace when her man can’t fulfill her every immediate need. A healthy need for her man would involve her fulfillment by him of the second and third stratum of needs: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical. For these, men and women definitely need and must rely upon each other. A man needs a woman to stand by him and encourage him by her respect, love, loyalty and service. A woman needs a man to protect, shield, love, and provide for her. Our roles are distinctly different in my view, but equally important and valuable.
Thus, to complete the task at hand, I would define the “fine line” as that beautiful place where each partner relies upon the other to assist and help them throughout the walk of life - by being available to offer comfort or candidness, by communicating, by looking to the other’s need before one’s own, by trusting completely and believing only in the belief that the two were much better and whole together than as individuals. They strengthen each other by their love, they challenge and refine each other through discourse and shared learning, they share the joys and pains of life, providing the powerful security that a relationship founded by trust, faith, hope and love can only offer. And they are patient in accepting the ebb and flow that life and relationships afford. Not every day is a walk in paradise, but it doesn’t matter, because the two are in it together and will see each other through. In a way, the partners of this kind of a relationship have been given to each other as gifts from God to heal the wounds dealt to them by the world. This is the quality of a healthy relationship, and from this reality stems a healthy relational need.
Down those old ancient streets,
Down those old ancient roads,
Baby there together we must go,
Til we get the healing done. - Van Morrison
Bellcanto says:
Since I am a woman, and one who is also very un-gracefully stumbling about in my acceptance of the answer to this question, I will approach this from the difficulties that make this challenge so very hard from a woman’s standpoint. There are two basic reactions that surface from the wounds a woman receives to her soul. Each are equally as unhealthy and destructive, in my view. How we respond to them makes all the difference in how we handle our relationships.
When women are wounded (by having our longings and desires to be seen and wanted and needed dismissed, thrown back in our faces, or simply not needed), something inside us – the little valiant and secure girl – shrivels and dies. If the pain is bad enough, we may even hate our own heart that longs for the romance, loathing the parts of us that ache with a seemingly endless loneliness and yearning for love and affection. I think most women have the innate sense that they are too much, too messy, too needy, and not worth the effort. And this is the curse that leads then to our defensive responses: one is to either over-react by becoming the Dominator - controlling, manipulating, out-spoken – the kind that is in charge and forceful about almost everything. The other response is to become Desolate - accepting our wound as one that was deserved, this woman shrinks from life and personality by becoming timid, passive, too vulnerable, and deficient of any sense of self. Both reactions are rooted in self-destructive behavior and are damaging to those around them. They definitely make it difficult to navigate the waters of life as strong, secure and confident women, while at the same time being patient, compassionate, and nurturing.
I believe the problem overall stems from the fact that women often take their life’s most important question to a man for him to answer and validate completely. I believe there are layers of need – the deepest is the need of existential fulfillment and purpose; the second deals with personal fulfillment and security; the third we’ll say involves physical and present needs. Women often take their existential questions to their man; this is the first wrong step, for men never have or ever will be able to fully satisfy a woman completely in that respect. She cannot take her questions – “Am I desirable?” “Am I worthy enough?” “Am I needed?” – to a man first; she must know the answers to these questions and then she will be free to offer herself completely as a whole and confident woman to her man. As such, she will be free of striving, jealousy, controlling tendencies, and excessive “neediness.” She will need her man, but she will not be “needy.” When I think of the characteristics of neediness, I conjure the qualities of mistrust, nervousness, controlling tendencies, and general lack of peace when her man can’t fulfill her every immediate need. A healthy need for her man would involve her fulfillment by him of the second and third stratum of needs: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical. For these, men and women definitely need and must rely upon each other. A man needs a woman to stand by him and encourage him by her respect, love, loyalty and service. A woman needs a man to protect, shield, love, and provide for her. Our roles are distinctly different in my view, but equally important and valuable.
Thus, to complete the task at hand, I would define the “fine line” as that beautiful place where each partner relies upon the other to assist and help them throughout the walk of life - by being available to offer comfort or candidness, by communicating, by looking to the other’s need before one’s own, by trusting completely and believing only in the belief that the two were much better and whole together than as individuals. They strengthen each other by their love, they challenge and refine each other through discourse and shared learning, they share the joys and pains of life, providing the powerful security that a relationship founded by trust, faith, hope and love can only offer. And they are patient in accepting the ebb and flow that life and relationships afford. Not every day is a walk in paradise, but it doesn’t matter, because the two are in it together and will see each other through. In a way, the partners of this kind of a relationship have been given to each other as gifts from God to heal the wounds dealt to them by the world. This is the quality of a healthy relationship, and from this reality stems a healthy relational need.
Down those old ancient streets,
Down those old ancient roads,
Baby there together we must go,
Til we get the healing done. - Van Morrison
Forgiveness: Forgetting, Feeling, or Deciding?
Bellcanto says:
What is the nature of forgiveness and how does one go about implementing it? Is it merely a feeling one develops after time has helped to heal a wound? Is it achieved when enough time goes by and enough water has gone under the bridge that the hurt is forgotten? Or is it a conscious decision to relinquish the right of NOT being hurt, of coming to peace with the fact that you were wronged, but choosing not to hold a grudge against the person or circumstance that harmed you?
D-Llama Says:
Loving someone is the most selfless thing to do. You cannot love, be loved, and love right if you are fearful. Fear often keeps us from trusting and opening-up to people and it makes us act outside our true persons to disguise it, especially if we've been falsely loved and/or rejected before. On those occasions that we do act out, are our acts unforgiveable? Nah...
Forgiveness is also a selfless act and yet, very empowering. Without understanding and forgiveness, we become hardened. The key is to avoid being hardened on the inside because of the fear of being hurt or losing again. Putting up walls to disguise pain or fear of hurt may keep you AND the ones you love from getting what they need out of the relationship and allowing it to grow. The same walls can keep you from truly loving yourself and you'll be consumed with hate. Mistakes teach us to grow and mature in ways that can help strengthen every relationship. That consideration, if not for any other reason, is enough to forgive. Keeping walls up won't allow you to love completely or be completely loved. So if you have loved and lost, or been hurt or deceived, at least keep being honest with and loving yourself and work hard to avoid becoming a mason! As much as we think the best way is to avoid the things that cause us pain, a lifetime of pain and anger seems so unnecessary; so pointless and destructive in the long run.
Terrence Real's philosophy is that healthy relationships require three phases: harmony, disharmony, and restoration. True intimacy is produced through disharmony and the resulting restoration.
The only way healing can truly happen is through forgiveness. Give it a shot.
What is the nature of forgiveness and how does one go about implementing it? Is it merely a feeling one develops after time has helped to heal a wound? Is it achieved when enough time goes by and enough water has gone under the bridge that the hurt is forgotten? Or is it a conscious decision to relinquish the right of NOT being hurt, of coming to peace with the fact that you were wronged, but choosing not to hold a grudge against the person or circumstance that harmed you?
D-Llama Says:
Loving someone is the most selfless thing to do. You cannot love, be loved, and love right if you are fearful. Fear often keeps us from trusting and opening-up to people and it makes us act outside our true persons to disguise it, especially if we've been falsely loved and/or rejected before. On those occasions that we do act out, are our acts unforgiveable? Nah...
Forgiveness is also a selfless act and yet, very empowering. Without understanding and forgiveness, we become hardened. The key is to avoid being hardened on the inside because of the fear of being hurt or losing again. Putting up walls to disguise pain or fear of hurt may keep you AND the ones you love from getting what they need out of the relationship and allowing it to grow. The same walls can keep you from truly loving yourself and you'll be consumed with hate. Mistakes teach us to grow and mature in ways that can help strengthen every relationship. That consideration, if not for any other reason, is enough to forgive. Keeping walls up won't allow you to love completely or be completely loved. So if you have loved and lost, or been hurt or deceived, at least keep being honest with and loving yourself and work hard to avoid becoming a mason! As much as we think the best way is to avoid the things that cause us pain, a lifetime of pain and anger seems so unnecessary; so pointless and destructive in the long run.
Terrence Real's philosophy is that healthy relationships require three phases: harmony, disharmony, and restoration. True intimacy is produced through disharmony and the resulting restoration.
The only way healing can truly happen is through forgiveness. Give it a shot.
Integrity
Merriam Webster defines integrity as: Firm or steadfast adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values.
See: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/integrity
QUESTION: If an individual lives according to a personal code of conduct which allows them to believe that deceitful behavior is acceptable under a given set of circumstances, can that person then claim to have integrity even if their moral code is contradictory to widespread or generally accepted values?
Bellcanto says...
As has already been stated, admitting deceit is a difficult thing to do – but having the humility to come clean or be honest about one’s wrongdoing is the key to having a clear conscience (and who doesn’t want that?). Confessing (“acknowledging”) and repenting (“admitting”) your indiscretions or deceit is the first step toward achieving acceptance of one’s self…and oddly enough, others. When we refuse to admit that we’ve wronged someone or are guilty of an offense, we’re only kidding ourselves in thinking that pain, exposure or embarrassment is being avoided. There’s too much to win by letting go of our pride and being ‘real’ about the more unseemly sides of our characters. Perfection is not expected, most everyone seems to believe that. Why then is it so difficult to be honest with others about our flaws? What’s to lose? Are they going to think less of us because we have the strength to admit faults? No, more than that, people tend to only gain respect and admiration for those who display the characteristics of integrity.We would do ourselves such services by freeing our minds and souls of the burden of guilt. Knowing that we are honest with others and ourselves is an incredibly empowering feeling, and it frees us up to be all that we were meant to be: whole beings, liberated from the fracturing and clouding effects of guilt, shame, and inward disgrace.
D-Llama says:
A lie, is a lie, is a lie. We are taught during our adolescent years that deceptive behavior is bad--even when those we are deceiving aren't aware of our untruths or deceptive actions. For a person to justify their behavior to themselves as acceptable simply because others are unaware of it, doesn't make it right. Right? We are also taught that a little white lie--regardless of innocence of your intent-- is still a lie. Little white lies eventually evolve into more lies, and even more, until it isn't such a litte white lie any longer, and eventually we get so caught-up in our deceit that we begin to believe those lies regardless of how blatantly obvious they are.
It is easy to make excuses for this type of behavior to justify one's actions. Eg? "I only did it because this," or, "I only said it because that..." Integrity is complimented by sincerity, forthrightness, and honesty. Those who are able to admit their wrongs and genuinely apologize certainly rate pretty high in my book than someone who sticks to their "personal code" which lies outside of the norm.
While it is certainly wrong, what drives us to lie and deceive others is insignificant. How we resolve those indiscretions is far more important. So...how does one appropriately rectify their behavior? While an admission and apology to those affected may not offer an immediate resolution or forgiveness, it is certainly the best way of righting one's wrongs and moving forward in a more respectable way. I'm not an Angel. I've lied. I've hurt people with various means of deceit. Having said that, admission of guilt is definitely a hard thing to confront--and it is certainly embarrassing to acknowledge, but, it is also remarkably powerful to disclose your indiscretions and take full ownership of them. There's no question that we have fear of said embarrassment, or hurting or losing the love or friendship of those we have deceived, but ultimately, it is the healthier, more respectable path. In the end, your acknowledgement of wrongdoing and subsequent apology may not be accepted, but it is definitely easier on the soul than continuing a charade.
For those who choose not to forgive indiscretions, I say, "Are you so perfect? Haven't you ever deceived anyone?" ---Of course they have, we all have. Forgiveness is a sign of growth. And since we are all fallible, there's plenty of growin' left to be done by each and every one of us. Noone says forgiveness=forget, but considering the alternative of lingering bitterness, I say, make-a-mends and move on. Life is definitely too short to hold-on to grudges.
See: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/integrity
QUESTION: If an individual lives according to a personal code of conduct which allows them to believe that deceitful behavior is acceptable under a given set of circumstances, can that person then claim to have integrity even if their moral code is contradictory to widespread or generally accepted values?
Bellcanto says...
As has already been stated, admitting deceit is a difficult thing to do – but having the humility to come clean or be honest about one’s wrongdoing is the key to having a clear conscience (and who doesn’t want that?). Confessing (“acknowledging”) and repenting (“admitting”) your indiscretions or deceit is the first step toward achieving acceptance of one’s self…and oddly enough, others. When we refuse to admit that we’ve wronged someone or are guilty of an offense, we’re only kidding ourselves in thinking that pain, exposure or embarrassment is being avoided. There’s too much to win by letting go of our pride and being ‘real’ about the more unseemly sides of our characters. Perfection is not expected, most everyone seems to believe that. Why then is it so difficult to be honest with others about our flaws? What’s to lose? Are they going to think less of us because we have the strength to admit faults? No, more than that, people tend to only gain respect and admiration for those who display the characteristics of integrity.We would do ourselves such services by freeing our minds and souls of the burden of guilt. Knowing that we are honest with others and ourselves is an incredibly empowering feeling, and it frees us up to be all that we were meant to be: whole beings, liberated from the fracturing and clouding effects of guilt, shame, and inward disgrace.
D-Llama says:
A lie, is a lie, is a lie. We are taught during our adolescent years that deceptive behavior is bad--even when those we are deceiving aren't aware of our untruths or deceptive actions. For a person to justify their behavior to themselves as acceptable simply because others are unaware of it, doesn't make it right. Right? We are also taught that a little white lie--regardless of innocence of your intent-- is still a lie. Little white lies eventually evolve into more lies, and even more, until it isn't such a litte white lie any longer, and eventually we get so caught-up in our deceit that we begin to believe those lies regardless of how blatantly obvious they are.
It is easy to make excuses for this type of behavior to justify one's actions. Eg? "I only did it because this," or, "I only said it because that..." Integrity is complimented by sincerity, forthrightness, and honesty. Those who are able to admit their wrongs and genuinely apologize certainly rate pretty high in my book than someone who sticks to their "personal code" which lies outside of the norm.
While it is certainly wrong, what drives us to lie and deceive others is insignificant. How we resolve those indiscretions is far more important. So...how does one appropriately rectify their behavior? While an admission and apology to those affected may not offer an immediate resolution or forgiveness, it is certainly the best way of righting one's wrongs and moving forward in a more respectable way. I'm not an Angel. I've lied. I've hurt people with various means of deceit. Having said that, admission of guilt is definitely a hard thing to confront--and it is certainly embarrassing to acknowledge, but, it is also remarkably powerful to disclose your indiscretions and take full ownership of them. There's no question that we have fear of said embarrassment, or hurting or losing the love or friendship of those we have deceived, but ultimately, it is the healthier, more respectable path. In the end, your acknowledgement of wrongdoing and subsequent apology may not be accepted, but it is definitely easier on the soul than continuing a charade.
For those who choose not to forgive indiscretions, I say, "Are you so perfect? Haven't you ever deceived anyone?" ---Of course they have, we all have. Forgiveness is a sign of growth. And since we are all fallible, there's plenty of growin' left to be done by each and every one of us. Noone says forgiveness=forget, but considering the alternative of lingering bitterness, I say, make-a-mends and move on. Life is definitely too short to hold-on to grudges.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
QUESTION: Should Governor Spitzer's Wife Stand By Her Man?
Bellcanto says...
Silda Wall Spitzer's presence beside her husband while he admitted his wrongdoings on Wednesday has been called by some an act of “enabling” her husband’s shame; it has also been renounced as a terrible message that is being communicated to younger women. Sally Quinn of the Washington Post equates it with that of “Taliban women covered from head to toe in burqa, standing a few paces behind their men, appendages to their all powerful husbands. Or Indian women committing sati, throwing themselves on their husband’s funeral pyre.” As if not showing up with her husband or refusing to stand by his side would prove his guilt any more or remedy the wrong that was done to her? I think people would only be led to wonder more about the poor Mrs. Spitzer – why wasn’t she there and how was she handling this wretched ordeal? Whereas, thanks to the way she faced the world along with her shamed husband – along with the Mrs. Larry Craigs and Mrs. David Vitters before her – people were only faced with the reality of how Gov. Spitzer failed her and the public. But municipal perception (this is not the main point) aside, I believe it is only decent and correct what the First Lady of New York demonstrated: that a woman stands by her man no matter what. Whether she decides to stay with him or leave him after this is another story, but at least her last responsibility as a partner to her husband was carried out with dignity and grace…regardless of whether Mr. Spitzer deserved it or not.
D-Llama says...
As I sit here in New York eating supper at a sub-par Chinese restaurant just steps from the mayor's mansion, I can't help but think about the governor's mansion and wonder what all transpired there just days earlier; the conversations, the questions, the avoidance, the pain - and of course, the strategizing. (what a shame!)
I can only imagine the betrayal his wife feels, knowing that her beau had been living a double life--indeed a tremendous fear for many women. To think about all she had to struggle with in such a short amount of time. How could he? Why didn't I see this was happening? What did I do wrong? How could he look me in the eyes every night knowing that he was betraying my trust and our family so willingly? And the intense pressure of the immediate decisions: Run like the wind? Stand by his side in support? It's not like they had time to even address all the emotional and traumatic aspects of his infidelity. It seems a bit unfair to her in my eyes that people are so quick to judge her decision to stand by his side. Ultimately, in my eyes, she did no wrong. She hadn't even had a moment to grieve or make sense of everything before she was asked (I'm sure) by him and his advisors to be there in support.
Fortunately for her, she will be the one, the only one to make the decision whether to stand by him in the long run.
William Congreve wrote "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned" in The Mourning Bride (1697). So, I guess the real question here is: What's next for the Spitzers? Only time will tell I suppose, but I cannot in good conscience discredit her loyalty to him nor will I condemn her for not having stood-up as a proud, independent woman, and giving him the boot. While I - as most people are I assume - am repulsed at his behavior, I admire her loyalty to him and their marriage. Infidelity is the single most difficult thing to conquer in relationships, but people take on the challenge and do it all the time. Is it out of obligation to their personal commitment? Commitment to God? Out of Love? All are quite admirable...
Silda Wall Spitzer's presence beside her husband while he admitted his wrongdoings on Wednesday has been called by some an act of “enabling” her husband’s shame; it has also been renounced as a terrible message that is being communicated to younger women. Sally Quinn of the Washington Post equates it with that of “Taliban women covered from head to toe in burqa, standing a few paces behind their men, appendages to their all powerful husbands. Or Indian women committing sati, throwing themselves on their husband’s funeral pyre.” As if not showing up with her husband or refusing to stand by his side would prove his guilt any more or remedy the wrong that was done to her? I think people would only be led to wonder more about the poor Mrs. Spitzer – why wasn’t she there and how was she handling this wretched ordeal? Whereas, thanks to the way she faced the world along with her shamed husband – along with the Mrs. Larry Craigs and Mrs. David Vitters before her – people were only faced with the reality of how Gov. Spitzer failed her and the public. But municipal perception (this is not the main point) aside, I believe it is only decent and correct what the First Lady of New York demonstrated: that a woman stands by her man no matter what. Whether she decides to stay with him or leave him after this is another story, but at least her last responsibility as a partner to her husband was carried out with dignity and grace…regardless of whether Mr. Spitzer deserved it or not.
D-Llama says...
As I sit here in New York eating supper at a sub-par Chinese restaurant just steps from the mayor's mansion, I can't help but think about the governor's mansion and wonder what all transpired there just days earlier; the conversations, the questions, the avoidance, the pain - and of course, the strategizing. (what a shame!)
I can only imagine the betrayal his wife feels, knowing that her beau had been living a double life--indeed a tremendous fear for many women. To think about all she had to struggle with in such a short amount of time. How could he? Why didn't I see this was happening? What did I do wrong? How could he look me in the eyes every night knowing that he was betraying my trust and our family so willingly? And the intense pressure of the immediate decisions: Run like the wind? Stand by his side in support? It's not like they had time to even address all the emotional and traumatic aspects of his infidelity. It seems a bit unfair to her in my eyes that people are so quick to judge her decision to stand by his side. Ultimately, in my eyes, she did no wrong. She hadn't even had a moment to grieve or make sense of everything before she was asked (I'm sure) by him and his advisors to be there in support.
Fortunately for her, she will be the one, the only one to make the decision whether to stand by him in the long run.
William Congreve wrote "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned" in The Mourning Bride (1697). So, I guess the real question here is: What's next for the Spitzers? Only time will tell I suppose, but I cannot in good conscience discredit her loyalty to him nor will I condemn her for not having stood-up as a proud, independent woman, and giving him the boot. While I - as most people are I assume - am repulsed at his behavior, I admire her loyalty to him and their marriage. Infidelity is the single most difficult thing to conquer in relationships, but people take on the challenge and do it all the time. Is it out of obligation to their personal commitment? Commitment to God? Out of Love? All are quite admirable...
Don't Like My Opinion?
D-Llama Says:
John Maynard Keynes once said "When the facts change, I change my opinion. What do you do, sir?"
So...don't like my opinion or point of view...? ---Don't hate me for what I say, how I feel, or my position on a given subject, rather, consider challenging me. Please, change my mind; enlighten me. We don't learn alternative thought without dialogue....
Bellcanto says...
I couldn’t agree with you more on that last thought, Mr. Llama. But I will say that I don’t expect to always be liked or appreciated for the things I believe. Ladies and gentlemen, you may dislike or despise me for my cogitations, that’s fine. But allow me to have them – I’m happy for you to believe something else and I’m more than interested to hear what you think and why. But let’s agree to disagree, shall we? We don’t grow and stretch our minds until we’re willing to consider different perspectives. And who knows? If we keep it nice and friendly, you just might change my mind... "A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still."
John Maynard Keynes once said "When the facts change, I change my opinion. What do you do, sir?"
So...don't like my opinion or point of view...? ---Don't hate me for what I say, how I feel, or my position on a given subject, rather, consider challenging me. Please, change my mind; enlighten me. We don't learn alternative thought without dialogue....
Bellcanto says...
I couldn’t agree with you more on that last thought, Mr. Llama. But I will say that I don’t expect to always be liked or appreciated for the things I believe. Ladies and gentlemen, you may dislike or despise me for my cogitations, that’s fine. But allow me to have them – I’m happy for you to believe something else and I’m more than interested to hear what you think and why. But let’s agree to disagree, shall we? We don’t grow and stretch our minds until we’re willing to consider different perspectives. And who knows? If we keep it nice and friendly, you just might change my mind... "A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still."
What is Psychological Patriarchy?
According to couples therapist Terrence Real, "conventional therapy has failed most couples." The fundamental problem, he argues, is American culture's deeply entrenched "psychological patriarchy," which devalues all things feminine (including healthy relationships) and wounds males at an early age by disconnecting them from themselves and others. Men can't relate, and women can't teach them how. Counseling, too, fails them both in a "collusion of silence" as to what's really wrong. Real's alternative is "relational recovery." Identifying a healthy relationship as one following the repeated pattern of "harmony, disharmony, and restoration," Real details five skills for accomplishing the crucial, ongoing task of repair: holding the relationship in high regard, preserving intimacy and relational (i.e., authentically connected) speaking, listening and negotiating. Accordingly, he teaches couples how to transcend "our culture's anti-relational bias" and move "out of patriarchy into healthy relatedness." Real also acknowledges the failures of traditional counseling and exposes what he believes are unhealthy fundamental American cultural values.
Learn more by clicking on the link below:
http://www.enotalone.com/article/5638.html
Learn more by clicking on the link below:
http://www.enotalone.com/article/5638.html
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