D-Llama says:
Bellcanto says:
Since I am a woman, and one who is also very un-gracefully stumbling about in my acceptance of the answer to this question, I will approach this from the difficulties that make this challenge so very hard from a woman’s standpoint. There are two basic reactions that surface from the wounds a woman receives to her soul. Each are equally as unhealthy and destructive, in my view. How we respond to them makes all the difference in how we handle our relationships.
When women are wounded (by having our longings and desires to be seen and wanted and needed dismissed, thrown back in our faces, or simply not needed), something inside us – the little valiant and secure girl – shrivels and dies. If the pain is bad enough, we may even hate our own heart that longs for the romance, loathing the parts of us that ache with a seemingly endless loneliness and yearning for love and affection. I think most women have the innate sense that they are too much, too messy, too needy, and not worth the effort. And this is the curse that leads then to our defensive responses: one is to either over-react by becoming the Dominator - controlling, manipulating, out-spoken – the kind that is in charge and forceful about almost everything. The other response is to become Desolate - accepting our wound as one that was deserved, this woman shrinks from life and personality by becoming timid, passive, too vulnerable, and deficient of any sense of self. Both reactions are rooted in self-destructive behavior and are damaging to those around them. They definitely make it difficult to navigate the waters of life as strong, secure and confident women, while at the same time being patient, compassionate, and nurturing.
I believe the problem overall stems from the fact that women often take their life’s most important question to a man for him to answer and validate completely. I believe there are layers of need – the deepest is the need of existential fulfillment and purpose; the second deals with personal fulfillment and security; the third we’ll say involves physical and present needs. Women often take their existential questions to their man; this is the first wrong step, for men never have or ever will be able to fully satisfy a woman completely in that respect. She cannot take her questions – “Am I desirable?” “Am I worthy enough?” “Am I needed?” – to a man first; she must know the answers to these questions and then she will be free to offer herself completely as a whole and confident woman to her man. As such, she will be free of striving, jealousy, controlling tendencies, and excessive “neediness.” She will need her man, but she will not be “needy.” When I think of the characteristics of neediness, I conjure the qualities of mistrust, nervousness, controlling tendencies, and general lack of peace when her man can’t fulfill her every immediate need. A healthy need for her man would involve her fulfillment by him of the second and third stratum of needs: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical. For these, men and women definitely need and must rely upon each other. A man needs a woman to stand by him and encourage him by her respect, love, loyalty and service. A woman needs a man to protect, shield, love, and provide for her. Our roles are distinctly different in my view, but equally important and valuable.
Thus, to complete the task at hand, I would define the “fine line” as that beautiful place where each partner relies upon the other to assist and help them throughout the walk of life - by being available to offer comfort or candidness, by communicating, by looking to the other’s need before one’s own, by trusting completely and believing only in the belief that the two were much better and whole together than as individuals. They strengthen each other by their love, they challenge and refine each other through discourse and shared learning, they share the joys and pains of life, providing the powerful security that a relationship founded by trust, faith, hope and love can only offer. And they are patient in accepting the ebb and flow that life and relationships afford. Not every day is a walk in paradise, but it doesn’t matter, because the two are in it together and will see each other through. In a way, the partners of this kind of a relationship have been given to each other as gifts from God to heal the wounds dealt to them by the world. This is the quality of a healthy relationship, and from this reality stems a healthy relational need.
Down those old ancient streets,
Down those old ancient roads,
Baby there together we must go,
Til we get the healing done. - Van Morrison
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Since I am a woman, and one who is also very un-gracefully stumbling about in my acceptance of the answer to this question, I will approach this from the difficulties that make this challenge so very hard from a woman’s standpoint. There are two basic reactions that surface from the wounds a woman receives to her soul. Each are equally as unhealthy and destructive, in my view. How we respond to them makes all the difference in how we handle our relationships.
When women are wounded (by having our longings and desires to be seen and wanted and needed dismissed, thrown back in our faces, or simply not needed), something inside us – the little valiant and secure girl – shrivels and dies. If the pain is bad enough, we may even hate our own heart that longs for the romance, loathing the parts of us that ache with a seemingly endless loneliness and yearning for love and affection. I think most women have the innate sense that they are too much, too messy, too needy, and not worth the effort. And this is the curse that leads then to our defensive responses: one is to either over-react by becoming the Dominator - controlling, manipulating, out-spoken – the kind that is in charge and forceful about almost everything. The other response is to become Desolate - accepting our wound as one that was deserved, this woman shrinks from life and personality by becoming timid, passive, too vulnerable, and deficient of any sense of self. Both reactions are rooted in self-destructive behavior and are damaging to those around them. They definitely make it difficult to navigate the waters of life as strong, secure and confident women, while at the same time being patient, compassionate, and nurturing.
I believe the problem overall stems from the fact that women often take their life’s most important question to a man for him to answer and validate completely. I believe there are layers of need – the deepest is the need of existential fulfillment and purpose; the second deals with personal fulfillment and security; the third we’ll say involves physical and present needs. Women often take their existential questions to their man; this is the first wrong step, for men never have or ever will be able to fully satisfy a woman completely in that respect. She cannot take her questions – “Am I desirable?” “Am I worthy enough?” “Am I needed?” – to a man first; she must know the answers to these questions and then she will be free to offer herself completely as a whole and confident woman to her man. As such, she will be free of striving, jealousy, controlling tendencies, and excessive “neediness.” She will need her man, but she will not be “needy.” When I think of the characteristics of neediness, I conjure the qualities of mistrust, nervousness, controlling tendencies, and general lack of peace when her man can’t fulfill her every immediate need. A healthy need for her man would involve her fulfillment by him of the second and third stratum of needs: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical. For these, men and women definitely need and must rely upon each other. A man needs a woman to stand by him and encourage him by her respect, love, loyalty and service. A woman needs a man to protect, shield, love, and provide for her. Our roles are distinctly different in my view, but equally important and valuable.
Thus, to complete the task at hand, I would define the “fine line” as that beautiful place where each partner relies upon the other to assist and help them throughout the walk of life - by being available to offer comfort or candidness, by communicating, by looking to the other’s need before one’s own, by trusting completely and believing only in the belief that the two were much better and whole together than as individuals. They strengthen each other by their love, they challenge and refine each other through discourse and shared learning, they share the joys and pains of life, providing the powerful security that a relationship founded by trust, faith, hope and love can only offer. And they are patient in accepting the ebb and flow that life and relationships afford. Not every day is a walk in paradise, but it doesn’t matter, because the two are in it together and will see each other through. In a way, the partners of this kind of a relationship have been given to each other as gifts from God to heal the wounds dealt to them by the world. This is the quality of a healthy relationship, and from this reality stems a healthy relational need.
Down those old ancient streets,
Down those old ancient roads,
Baby there together we must go
Till we get the healing done.
- Van Morrison
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