What a Girl Wants / What I've Learned About the Ladies....PART 1

Aside from everything else I've stated on this blog, I've learned a lot of late about what it takes to exist in and maintain a healthy relationship. This is due in part to the influence of many good women in my life. What makes a good woman you say? Devotion? Commitment? Loyalty? True understanding of her man? Passion? Individuality? Honesty? Integrity? Good character? Consistency? Conservative / Progressive ideology? Willingness to compromise?

The answer is yes. A little bit of all of them.

So, here's some of what I've learned about women and what I believe to be necessary in nurturing and maintaining a healthy relationship with them:
1) First and foremost, women want a "partner"; someone they can experience life with on an equal basis, but whom they can also rely on and feel protected by. They do not want a "father figure"or someone to lecture them about what they should be doing and how. They want to remain independent, but to also have a support system.

2) Woman have a tremendous need...to feel wanted, desired, appreciated, respected, and loved--and they should get that!

3) They need to hear their man tell them they are beautiful; to look at them as their queen; as the only woman that matters in their eyes.

4) They want to be heard--truly heard. They want their man to listen to them and their feelings/thoughts. They do not want a solution. They do not want a fix to their problem, they want an ear. They want understanding.

More to come from D-Llama...

Bellcanto responds...
Just a few thoughts...
A woman wants a little independence, yes…but all women don't want complete autonomy from their men. They do long for partnerships, but they also long to be his ezer-kenegdo - his helpmeet. We do want to be heard, it’s true…truly heard that is, not just a deaf ear that seems to be taking in what we say. But sometimes we do need our man to give us his opinion, view or estimation about something. Sometimes we just need his good sound judgment to help us see something clearly. So if a woman asks her man what he thinks, that means she really does want to know what he thinks. (The one caveat being in regard to a question about her appearance – and most men know not to touch that one!).

Believing in Trust

A mentor of mine (a lady who has been married for close to thirty years) once told me that the key to maintaining a strong connection and deep level of trust was to avoid keeping secrets from your partner. Don’t keep secrets from each other, she said, because once you begin holding on to information that may be uncomfortable or unpleasant, you begin a process of bad habits that could lead to deeper problems, such as infidelity, dishonesty, or just poor communication.

Some may say that telling everything may be potentially problematic. So this is probably better left being decided by the individual couple. But overall I think having flowing and honest communication goes very far in building a healthy level of trust.

The Dali G-Llama brought up the following: “We should all be trusting from the beginning, as we have no reason not to other than the past. But if we're trying to move forward in a new relationship, shouldn't we forget the past and start fresh with trust again? Isn't that fair-to both parties involved?”

Trusting a partner can be quite a steep mountain to climb if one has been hurt in the past or has a partner who’s done something to tear down that trust. But, as with most intangible and non-material, trust comes down to a matter of believing. Yes, the partner must do his or her part to be trust-worthy – through actions, words, commitment, in all behavior. But sometimes the once-hurt soul has trouble accepting the truth that their partner IS trustworthy. And when such is the case, I say that it simply comes down to faith. It takes faith to do anything in this life. But believing is better than the alternative – mistrust, uncertainty, worry, anxiousness – as if any of these would help prevent what is feared anyway. All of these only tear us down and our partner, who may be demoralized by the lack of faith shown in them. Being able to truly believe in someone’s fidelity and faithfulness is a beautiful thing, and when one does, that only strengthens the relationship all the more – consequently making the possibility of infidelity even less.

So while it may be hard to trust again after being hurt, it’s possible with the help and love of the right person. All I say is, be willing to LET them help you be whole once again. You’ve got nothing to lose.

Trust

Trust. It's a slippery slope in a relationship.

Question: Can what once was lost ever be found-again?

Clarification.

The following was written by Ms. Bellcanto in response to the recent postings:

These questions you're asking, I had no idea you were so undecided and unsure. "Is there one person out there that is perfect for each of us--without having to work on it?" Seriously? I thought you were all about "working on" a relationship, fighting because it's beneficial, doing
whatever you needed to to make it work. Now you're looking for that one "perfect" someone who you won't have to work with? Wow, I had no idea."

D-Llama says...
I didn't say that. I'm merely being inquisitive; asking the question that is often asked but to which everyone has a different opinion. What do I believe? I believe there is a perfect person for each of us. Just one. But I don't believe in perfect relationships. They all take work, they all require patience, understanding, and yes, disagreements and survival. Being able to survive the waves and troubles in a relationship are what makes genuine love strong, and the relationship worth having. Being willing and committed to surviving the ups and downs are what eventually gets us to the the point that we can overcome obstacles and be happy in an imperfect relationship with that one perfect person.

See my previous post on this topic by >>clicking here.
Or...review the very first post on this blog by >>clicking here.

Both are insightful on this topic.

Rebuttal to Question 2 Response: Misunderstanding?

It isn't about there being perfect people out there. It is more about whether we are meant to be with a given person, or two, or three. Is there one person out there we were meant to be with? Is there one person out there that is perfect for each of us--without having to work on it?

Answer 2: Yes

Are there any perfect people? Of course, the answer is no. So I think that’s it is self-confusing to wonder whether your perfect mate is out there. All in all, I know what the question really means: is there one person out there meant specifically for me? To this I say yes…I do believe that most people are meant to be with one person. Is this the reality though? Of course not - not everyone stays married to the same person all their life or are they blessed with a mate that outlives them. And everyone does not have the calling or desire TO get married or be with a partner (i.e. the Pope, nuns, some missionaries, any other completely vocation-focused individual, etc). But the majority of us want and long for the companionship, love, friendship, intimacy, and partnership that comes with the mate that’s meant for us. And I think that we were designed to be committed to that one person (if we marry them) for the rest of our lives. Does this play out these days that people stay with each other for a life-time? No, but people also don’t get married for the right reasons, stay committed to the person and vows, or are ready when they do go to the alter. But it’s because of our own lack of character, wealth of immaturity and mishandling that marriage/love experience such a low success rate. It’s not the fault of the institutions though.

As someone who believes that life has purpose and is not just a random set of events, I do believe that we are meant to be with one person for our lives. But it’s not because we or our partner is necessarily “perfect.” Overall, you fit each other emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, spiritually; you compliment each other, make up for each other’s weaknesses, you help and support each other, and you LOVE the person beneath it all. But it’s not the perfection of the match so much as it is the nature of the commitment. Dr. Terrence Real speaks of this: “The character of the union is determined by how the two partners manage both aspects of love – the getting and the not getting.” Partnership doesn’t always play out like a fairy-tale or the perfect romance story, but doesn’t mean it’s not meant to happen or possible. Real love and romance are very real and important elements in a relationship, but they can’t be expected to just occur without help and nurturing. With a little work and patience though, we can achieve that more perfect union we’ve always dreamed about. And if someone is willing to do that, I think they can set their sights on being with that one “perfect” mate for the rest of their lives.

Rebuttal to QUESTION 1 Response: I Don't know....

"...But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it [your heart] will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

So ...if your heart has been placed in your "casket"--or lockbox, if you will!-- C.S. is claiming it will become what we assume to be as "unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." But that is merely an optimistic and romantic assumption or ideal. All lovers want to believe that their hearts will never be broken, that their love will never be lost with their current partner, that the person they are with will be around forever.

But the reality is.... even in those "perfect relationships" with the "perfect partner" and the "love of our lives", even when one's love is devout and we are certain that love will never be lost, it happens. Maybe the hearts we hold in a casket are unbreakable, maybe the hearts we hold in a casket are impenetrable, but our hearts cannot control those of our partners. Love's direction is as uncertain as a kite in the wind. It doesn't take much of a shift to alter it's course. Be as committed as you like, love like you never thought you could love, but beware, because there is no amount of love you can hold in your heart, in your casket, that can assure that your partner's heart will remain in sync with yours.

People in love get burned all the time by cheating partners, and guess what, you so-called inpenetrable heart indeed gets broken. On the positive side of this argument though...I guess there are those who's hearts remain unredeemable, undeterred, unwavering even in the face of that broken heartedness. What then?

So I say to you, and C.S., knock yourselves out. Put your heart into a casket, but don't assume that casket will never be penetrated or you are kidding yourselves. All hearts get broken--even in the best of relationships. The issue is, can you repair that heart? Some say yes, but it willl take time, lots of time, and pain. So, back to my original QUESTION: Is that pain really worth it?

I would choose instead to live every day like it were my last. I would choose to live every day allowing my heart to know what it wants and not standing in the way of its progress. I would choose to live every day from this point forward like my partner, my relationship, my love, and the love of my partner is on the line. I would never again leave my heart's fortress (casket) vulnerable. I would always assure its security by proactively working to improve its integrity.

A Question on Love...

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to noone, not even an animal" - C.S. Lewis

Risking our hearts for love is a difficult proposition. It is easier to anticipate a broken heart and the subsequent pain that follows it than it is a positive outcome.

So....the QUESTION:

Is it worth it? Is it worth the risk of all the pain that comes along our many journeys that someday, somehow, like magic, we will find that one perfect person? QUESTION 2: Is there really one perfect person for each of us, or are there many?

I Like Good Quotes and I Cannot Lie

Quotes are inspiring, so why not make note of them?

"Admit your errors before someone else exaggerates them." ~Andrew V. Mason

"A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." ~Alexander Pope, in Swift, Miscellanies

"It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit to forgive them for having witnessed your own." ~Jessamyn West

"If a mistake is not a stepping stone, it is a mistake." ~Eli Siegel

"One cannot too soon forget his errors and misdemeanors; for to dwell upon them is to add to the offense." ~Henry David Thoreau

"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing." ~John Powell

"When you realize you've made a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm." ~Dan Heist

Can We Ever Really Make Mistakes?

Our journey through life is a process of learning. In my experience, we almost always learn best from what we often see as our mistakes --unfortunately our lessons are usually taught after-the-fact and are significantly more painful than had we been able to recognize and acknowledge our wrongs ahead of time. But, if we learn from them, if we grow from them, how could they really be mistakes?

So...the QUESTION:

Can we ever really make a mistake in our journey through life?

Bellcanto said...
The errors of life are only true mistakes if no lesson or benefit is derived from it. Some people never learn and some situations never seem to produce worthwhile results. But for those of us who are willing to take a good honest look at ourselves in the mirror, the sages are full of positive wisdom…“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”…“Adversity maketh the man, prosperity maketh a monster…” et cetera, et cetera. Mistakes only help to refine us…we may even come to view them as blessings in disguise. Sometimes we need to fall hard or mess up big-time before we are able to self-evaluate. And there’s nothing like a blunder to provide clarity for one’s thinking and hubris. Mistakes make us more human, more realistic, even more compassionate and patient with other people’s shortcomings. Who doesn’t think that’s a good thing? Only the guy that’s putting his pride before his fall. So go ahead, feel free to trip up a little! And try to embrace hitting the ground…because as with anything else, you won’t hurt as much from the impact if you’re relaxed and calmly prepared for the blow.

D-Llama says:

While I agree with you Ms. Bellcanto, why is it then that there are so few people--even while recognizing that we are all human and each of us will and do make mistakes-- that will even consider forgiveness for those mistakes? See the previous post on FORGIVENESS by >>clicking here...

April Fool's!?

D-Llama says...
To the contrary, I'm not a believer in your last sentence. ".... be encouraged, because at least your woman will always be able to understand your potential short comings in this area."

That's the whole issue at hand here...women don't understand...

Bellcanto said...
Absolutely, women must fulfill their role in a relationship of mutual communication. And women are typically seen as the better communicators – they are more naturally inclined and gifted in the area of relaying (especially emotional) information and they seem to have more of a need of it. But just because a woman’s a woman does not necessarily mean she’s an expert - or even an efficient - raconteur. Some of us have a little more difficulty in being forthcoming for a number of reasons. The foremost cause, in my view, is that this inability or self-consciousness is a learned trait, one that is passed on (usually) from a girl’s mother. Family therapist Terrence Real talks about this reality: “In intimacy, as in most other things, we tend to re-create what we know. … Partners almost always play out a template for relationships they first “learned” growing up. … Whenever a client is stuck in a dysfunctional quality – avoidance, disgust, fits of immaturity – I ask questions [like these]: Who did you see behave like this? Or, who did it to you? Or, who let you do it to them? … We ARE the relational matrix we grew up in – until we do the hard, deliberate work of transforming.” Transformation isn’t easy, but it’s necessary and very important. The stages someone has to go through to triumph over years of learned bad habits are many and varied. But it’s not impossible, and the relational abecedarian will be vastly helped and supported by a partner who is patient and understanding of the struggles he or she is dealing with. So men, be perseverant if you’re with such a woman who wants desperately to communicate effectively and candidly with you, but has an over-zealous ‘gate keeper.’ And be encouraged, because at least your woman will always be able to understand your potential short comings in this area. :)

D-Llama said...
HaHa...nice joke, Ms.Bellcanto! We all know-yes, even the most ignorant of us men- that communication is essential to growth in relationships, even when it's hard. Let us not forget though that it goes both ways. While men are traditionally scolded and identified as having issues with effective communication with their significant others, I think women too need to 1)fulfill their obligatory role in the communication gap, and 2) recognize that they need to work with their man and be understanding of their natural deficiencies and struggles in this realm.

So often, chicas place a huge burden on men to step-up and fill the gap, but it seems to me that we could go a long way towards healthier relationships if women committed themselves to the building of men's esteem and trust-allowing them to disregard their fears of opening up. If woman are such lockboxes when it comes to personal info, perhaps they should honor that perception and keep private things private. Comprende?